Our Curse
by Hope Shalott
Summary: A collection of imprinting-based oneshots focusing upon the Sam/Leah/Emily triangle and written in letter format.
1. Distance and Time

**Title: **Distance and Time

**Summary: **Leah wasn't the only person that imprinting destroyed. This is a letter to her Sam.

**Disclaimer: **Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. This story is produced without profit.

**Characters:** Leah/Sam

**Genre: **Angst/Hurt/Hope

**Rating**: K

**Warnings:** Depressing. Heavy on the imprinting angst.

**Status**: Completed.

**Archiving**: Please PM me.

**Inspirations/Dedications: **Inspired by Alicia Keys, "_Distance and Time_"

**Author's Notes: **Part of the Your Gift, Our Curse series.

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**Distance and Time**

* * *

Remember when we were kids and we played in the rain? Momma always told us to come in, that we'd catch our death but you and me, Sam-we were free. We didn't care. I cling to those memories, like literally _cling_ to them. I wake up some nights, gripping the covers and for just the slightest of second,s I can feel you there with me. It never lasts long though.

I don't know where you are, Sam. Everything seemed to change so quickly in ways that I never expected. I mean, how can you prepare? I don't blame you for anything that's happened, I hope you know that. I get mad at _her_, I can't really help that...and that _thing_ that makes a mockery of the man you were, but never you. I could never be mad at you, something you used to your advantage many times.

It's easier with my daddy because at least I know where to look for him. I can just tilt my head back and close my eyes and breathe in the Earth around me and it's like he never left, like he's right beside me. I've tried that with you but it never works. I can't find you, but I won't ever stop looking. It's easier still because everybody knows he's gone. Nobody thinks it's crazy or pointless for me to cry for him. But you, well, I'm the only person who knows that you're not here anymore.

Are you mad at me, Sammy? I hope not. I tried everything I could to bring you back to me but I just don't know what to do anymore. It's hard for me watching him-whatever he is walking around in your place. Sometimes, if I try real hard, I can almost imagine he's you, and then I feel guilty because he's not and never will be. He doesn't even come close.

God, I miss you so much it hurts. Maybe it would be easier if you were still here- maybe if you smiled the same and laughed the same. Or maybe it would hurt worse, because at least this way I can be happy knowing that you kept your promises to me. _Until death_, you said. _Until I'm no longer here,_ and you're not. Not anymore.

I think about you a lot, probably more than it's good for me to. I wonder if you can see all of this, if you can see what's happened to you. For your sake, I hope not-but if you do, well, all I can say is that I see it too and I promise you that no one will ever convince me that man is you.

See, Emily might have your heart now, but I know _you_. I've _always_ known you. I know that when you're angry, you rant and rave until the both of us are laughing. You don't grit your teeth and shake your head slowly. You were never one for holding it all in. Not until now. Nothing was ever too much for you. You were one of those people who seemed to coast through life, always _feeling_ something. There was no trouble that couldn't be cured by a wicked smile and something worth laughing at. We used to do a lot of that, didn't we, Sammy? Laughing. Now you barely even smile and when you do, it all seems wrong. It's not your smile. It's too...sweet. All the mischief is gone. Maybe it's because Emily prefers you that way.

She thinks I want _him_ back. Can you believe that? If it didn't hurt so much, I'd probably laugh. Maybe that's her punishment. Maybe on the day she dies, she'll see the man she helped destroy. She'll see the man you were and she'll realise that her Sam was nothing compared to mine. Sometimes, when he looks at me, I can almost see a spark of recognition. Is that you? Are you still there deep down inside? Are you haunting his dreams, demanding that he pay attention to you? Making him acknowledge all the dreams and plans that he destroyed-mine, and yours?

I've bitten my tongue so hard I'm surprised there's anything left, but if I said even a piece of what was on my mind, I'd probably never stop. You always said I talked too much. You loved that about me. Every thought that runs through his head tells me to shut up...or it used to. Not anymore.. You'd be real proud of me, Sammy. I got away. I'm Beta now, in both ways. It's still not a wonderful situation but I'm trying to make the best of it. Did it make you sad, seeing how hurt I was? I don't know why I'm even asking, I know it would have. But it's still hard sometimes, not to buy into the lie of it. Then he'll do something that you would never do and it becomes a little easier.

I've come to terms with things now. I know you're gone and chances are you're never coming back. I just wish I knew where you were, I wish I had a place to pray to, but I don't. I tend to just imagine that you're with my daddy. That makes it easier. My two strongest men, both watching over me. I don't want to give up on you, Sammy-and a part of me never will, but I have to try and move on, if only to keep your memory pure. Nobody else seems to remember the man you were. They talk about how mature you've become, how settled you seem. I wonder if they ever realise how you just changed over night? How you stopped being you? Maybe they just don't think about it because they never loved _you,_ everything that was you_. _Not like I did. I don't think I'm the only one though. Sometimes, your mom looks at me with such sadness that I have to believe she sees it too. You were her boy and she loved you despite everything. Maybe I'm not the only one who wonders where you've gone.

I still dream about imprinting one day. Maybe that seems pretty hypocritical, considering what it's done to you...but this world just isn't the same without you in it. I'd give anything to be with you again. My dream, my ambitions. I have fantasies that we'll be together one day. That with one look, I can disappear to wherever you are now and we can be together again. Let's do that, shall we? We can leave it all, let the love zombies do what they want with whatever is left behind. Nobody can stop us when we're together, you know that as well as I do.

I don't care what happens to me when I'm gone as long as you're waiting for me. I don't care if my body keeps on moving, if something that isn't me sets up home inside of it. Fate can take it all. All I want is you. My Sam, not some inferior copy. There's nothing I wouldn't trade, nothing I wouldn't give to have you back again, as you were-but if that can't happen, if the only option is for me to come to you, I'll be counting down the days. I'll close my eyes and fall. Give my heart and body to someone I don't even know.

Someone else can have my soul because if I can't choose to give it to you then I don't want it.

~fin~


	2. Promises

**Title:** Promises

**Summary**: "At what point did you realise that all of our memories and all of our tears didn't mean as much as being Sam's princess?"

**Disclaimer**: Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. This story is produced without profit.

**Characters:** Leah/Emily

**Genre: **Family/Hurt/Betrayal

**Rating**: General

**Warnings:** ~

**Status**: Completed.

**Archiving**: Please PM me

**Inspirations/Dedications: **

**Author's Notes: **Part of the Your Gift, Our Curse series.

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**Promises**

* * *

I remember when we were young. We would spend hours playing and laughing, over nothing important really. Do you remember that time my Mom and Dad had an argument and we stayed with you and you parents for nearly a month. I should have been upset, but I think in my heart I knew they would get back together, so all I felt was excitement. You and I could spend all day together laughing and playing.

You were a few years older than me, and we were related, so that was enough for me to tell everybody that you were my big sister. We had so much fun, didn't we? Making pacts, vowing that it would always be the two of us. We were gonna be sisters forever, you and me.

I probably never told you this but I admired how different you were from me. You were quiet and kind, where I was boisterous and stubborn. People fawned over my pretty face and hair but I could see a different kind of beauty in you, even if others didn't really notice.

Even when we went back home, our bond couldn't be severed. As the years went by, we visited each other less and less but nothing changed. We switched from laughing in the backyard to laughing over the phone. You were still my best friend. My only sister. I didn't think anything could come between us.

I was thirteen when Sam asked me to go watch a movie with him. My stomach flipped and fluttered as I tried to play it cool and when it was over only one thought crossed my mind. Telling you. We talked for hours as I gave you a play by play and you tried to help me decipher his actions. I must have described my whole wardrobe to you that night as you helped me pick something to wear. It wasn't that easy over the phone but you stuck it out, for however many hours it took. Mom wasn't so impressed when she saw the phone bill.

The date went pretty well, despite my nervousness. I told you everything that happened that night and everything that happened afterwards. Every milestone and kiss was related to you in detail. We talked for two hours when I first slept with him and I could hear the envy in your voice when I told you how awkward and wonderful it had been. I wasn't mad at you for that. I knew you were lonely, and I sent up a prayer that night that you would find someone who would make you as happy as Sam made me. Looking back, maybe I shouldn't have bothered.

When Sam went missing, I wanted to call you so bad. I needed you to hold my hand but just hearing your voice was enough. You told me not to worry, that he would come back to me. When I wasn't out looking for him, I was talking to you. You were my rock. The only thing that kept me sane. I remember thinking that there was nothing I couldn't face with you by my side. It was always going to be me and you together, and nothing would ever change that. Or so I thought.

See, maybe you never knew this but there was nothing more important to me than you. You were my sister. You were there from the beginning and I was so sure you would be there until the end. You'd seen me at my best and worst, and I knew everything about you. I would have done almost anything to keep you safe and happy but you managed to find the one thing I couldn't give.

The minute he set eyes on you, I knew something had changed. I saw the emptiness in his expression when he told me he couldn't love me anymore, and so I did what I always did when things hurt. I turned to you. I felt like the whole world was against me, sometimes I felt nothing, but with my big sister's arms around me, I felt like I could deal with anything.

It was easy to hate him, even despite the overwhelming love I still felt. He had torn my heart out and when I found out why, I hated him just that little bit more but it was okay. I knew he would never get what he wanted. I knew my big sister would never betray me. The things a fool believes, huh?

I could see how hard it was for you. I could see it in your eyes, but every time you told me he wasn't worth it, I could see you fighting for me. Why did you stop, Em? I wouldn't have stopped for you. Not even for Sam Uley, not even for the world. I could have fought forever just so you would know that you were first. You were the one I loved most. I would have fought as long as you needed me to.

When you gave in, it was the biggest shock of my life. In my deepest thoughts, I never imagined you giving up on me, or giving me up. I knew my daddy would die one day and I knew that Sam and I might not last forever, but it was always supposed to be me and you, and nothing was ever supposed to change that.

One of my earliest memories of you was when you broke Seth's toy tractor and we tried to stick it back together with glitter glue. Do you remember that, Em? Sam can't know that you cried because you didn't want to upset Seth. He wasn't there that time I cut your hair and you had to walk around for two months with a blunt, choppy fringe. I still laugh when I think back and then I remember that none of it was enough for you and I get this hollow, empty hole in my stomach. At what point did you realise that all of our memories and all of our tears didn't mean as much as being Sam's princess?

I know Sam is wonderful and he's handsome and kind, I really do. He's a real catch, Em and I'm not being sarcastic when I say that, but was he really so perfect that you could let him come between us? It hurts to think that, maybe, I was imagining the bond between us all along. Maybe it was never as strong as I thought it was. Maybe I always needed you more than you needed me.

I wanted to hit you when you asked me to be your bridesmaid. I know you didn't realise how much that would hurt me, or you wouldn't have asked. You wanted me to bear witness to you stealing my life but that didn't hurt as much as you asking in the first place. Sometimes I wonder if you realise what you've done to me. I could have gotten over Sam, eventually. He was just a guy and guys are a dime a dozen, right? His betrayal would have been something we could have laughed at, something that faded over time but yours, yours will stick with me forever.

What I need doesn't seem to matter to you anymore, but that's the crux of imprinting, isn't it? The whole world disappears and it doesn't matter that I was there, through it all. It doesn't matter that we were soul mates first. All of that is just wiped away. I know you didn't want this to happen, Em...but you could have stopped it. You didn't have to let it ruin everything.

I might have wanted Sam, but all I ever really needed was my big sister to hold me in her arms and love me more than anyone else in the world ever could. I thought that's how it would always be, until you replaced me with the man I loved. I still curse myself for being so naïve. I hope you're happy, Emily...I really do. As much as that hurts me. I want you to have all the things that I never will, because once upon a time, I vowed that we would be sisters forever and that you would always be first...and I won't break my promise as easily as you did.

~fin~


	3. To Hope

**Title:** To Hope

**Summary**: Deep beneath the imprinting, there is a part of Sam that still exists. This is his letter to fate.

**Disclaimer**: Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer .This story is produced without profit.

**Characters:** Sam/Leah

**Genre: **Angst/Hurt

**Rating**: General

**Warnings:** ~

**Status**: Completed

**Archiving**: Please PM me

**Inspirations/Dedications: **

**Author's Notes:** Part of the Your Gift, Our Curse series.

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**To Hope**

* * *

It's cold outside. There's a storm blowing a gale and you can even hear the trash cans rattling. Leah used to love it when the weather was like this. There was nothing more exciting to her than the sheer power of Mother Earth.

That's kind of how I see her now: a force of nature.

She wouldn't appreciate that now that she's turned against you. Every other word is about how the world sucks, fate sucks, life sucks.

It kills me that she's so bitter.

I know she thinks I hold her back because I'm a sexist pig who doesn't think she has what it takes. What she doesn't realise is that it isn't about her at all. It's about what's best for the pack and I know if anything happened to her, I'd lose it. The hierarchy, my duty: none of it would mean shit in that moment.

You made a good choice with her. I'm only really starting to appreciate that. She's inherited her mother's stone cold nerve and fearlessness. I don't have either. She's tailor made to be a warrior but I can't let her because I'm too afraid of what I might lose.

I know I'm a selfish prick.

I was surprised when she phased but I probably shouldn't have been. Leah has always been something more. I don't think she realises just how special she is; how forceful. Emily has her moments, her stern looks that would make a stronger man wither but she's still just a woman. She can't compete with Leah in that sense.

I've loved that girl since I was ten years old.

You might think that it was nothing more than a childhood romance but it was. It was so much more. I couldn't even tell you the first time I saw her because I don't remember. She's always just been part of my life.

It's a struggle trying to live a life that she wants no part of.

Don't get me wrong, I love Emily with all my being and I know I always will. We were made for each other, after all, but there are moments of clarity when I look at her and wonder why I'm not looking at Leah instead. Emily comes to me so easily and lets me kiss her wounds better and forgives all of my mistakes.

You know Leah refuses to patrol with me, right?

Or talk to me.

Or answer me when I ask her how she is.

At least, she used to until Jacob spoke to her about it. Now she answers in one word sentences and sarcastic quips and I'm left wondering when she started listening to Jacob and stopped listening to me.

He left Nessie's birthday party early last week so he could drive Leah into Port Angeles. That's not normal. How come he can fight it but I can't?

There's nothing going on there. At least, I don't think there is. Jacob and Leah have always been too alike; both stubborn and too quick to hold a grudge. Somewhere along the line, their antagonising each other has given way to an easy partnership. Since the packs re-united, everything has changed.

I don't want him to fight for her. I don't want him to break it, even though it would be better for the pack if he wasn't tied to a leech. I want Leah to love me and nobody else. I want her to grieve for me forever.

That's my guilty secret.

And you already knew that, didn't you? Just like you knew that I did fight, I fought so hard, but I just didn't have it in me to win. Sometimes I hate you just as much as she does. If you had to screw up my whole life, you could have at least done the job right and made me forget her completely.

Did you watch and laugh as I lay beside her and tried so hard to keep a picture in my head that would obliterate all my thoughts of Emily?

I've never lived a moment without Leah Clearwater. Do you have any idea what you've done to me-how I drank up every bitter remark and every bit of guilt because it meant she was still there, still engaging with me?

But you couldn't even let me keep that, could you?

Leah is pulling away from me now, I can feel it. I try to tell myself that I knew she wouldn't hurt forever, wouldn't miss me forever. I just didn't realise how much it would tear me up when that day finally came. I don't want her to forget me. The_ real _me. I want to remember the man I was before and _our _memories.

Ten years old to the day I set eyes on Emily, Leah was the world to me. She was my best friend, my confidant, my first love. She was the one I fumbled with and embarrassed myself with and learned about love with. Everything that was Sam Uley was defined by loving her and nobody knows me better.

She was a part of me and, my god, I hate you for taking that away from me...but you can't fight destiny, isn't that what they say?

So I'll watch. I'll watch her move on and stop thinking about me, stop caring about me. I'll sit back and watch her fall in love, get married and laugh with her friends about her first love who turned out to be a loser. Maybe one day I'll see her daughters running around the rez or her sons sitting around the bonfire but I won't give up.

I won't ever give up.

While it's still within my power, I'll keep this little sliver of me...just for her and I wont forget. For however long it hurts, I won't forget because you've taken everything from me. My dreams, my ambitions, my girl...

To hope is the only choice I have left.

~fin~


End file.
